Tag: grief during holidays

The Wisdom of Grief

Three years ago around this time, someone I cared for deeply entered hospice and a weeklong end-of-life process that was dignity-rendering, yet leaking with sadness.

I stood the course with my beloved older brother on his journey toward death, knowing that he would want no pity, and if possible, he would have been spitting wisecracks at every turn, while declaring that life is to be enjoyed and celebrated.

With that in mind, as we race toward Christmas, or celebrate Hanukkah or countdown to the New Year, I share this wisdom borne from losing someone dear (in particular during the holidays) to remind us that one of the best ways to honor our loved ones is to keep on living, and to do so with intentional joy and hopefulness.

Here are a few ways that I’ve personally leaned into:

Love on yourself more, just because. 

Tell others what they mean to you while you can (I have and I regularly do).

Cry when you feel like it.

Laugh every chance you get.

Forget about yesterday’s grudges. 

Love those who love you back.

Be kind to those whose rudeness often means they need more kindness.

Challenge yourself to leave everyone better than you found them – with what you say and what you don’t; by how you share and where you set boundaries; and by giving with no expectation of reciprocity.

Let your heart break. The only way through grief is through. 

Say Thank You – for everything.

Because every breath you take, every day you get to experience, and every person who crosses your path is in some way a gift.

 
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Why Grief is Love

A friend invited me to dinner on Juneteenth a few weeks ago, and when I crossed her threshold, she placed a book in my hand that touched my heart.

The title alone – Grief is Love – met me in the season I’m currently walking through and made me smile with gratitude. I share this book with you today, because while my losses are fresh and still sitting with me as I carve out a new normal, I know that I’m not alone on this challenging yet sacred journey.

Having lost my two eldest siblings in less than two years, and both around significant seasons, has led me into a season of giving myself extra grace.

Some of you may recall that my only brother passed away a few days before Christmas in December 2022. My eldest sister graduated to Heaven less than 90 days ago, three days after my daughter’s wedding, while still in town for the festivities.

And while my ache from the passing of my sister Pat eight years ago is no longer fresh, as my first sibling to enter Heaven, she’s also top of mind these days. I am the youngest of five, with one living sibling to physically cherish.

Many of you are freshly grieving the death of someone you love, too, or soothing your heart after being triggered into revisiting a not-so-new loss.

Either way, I’m here to gently remind you – as I daily remind myself – that it is okay to have our moments of teary reflection and to be tender with ourselves.

If you’re a person of faith like me, you can remind yourself that even Jesus wept upon his beloved friend Lazarus’ death – and He knew he could (and would) raise Lazarus from the dead.

If you are seeking other ways to process your loss, there are multiple resources available to you, from books like this one, to grief coaches and professional therapists to music and meditation. Follow your heart as you find your way.

My season of abundant self-care and self-reflection has required me to be patient with me.

I still owe some beloved friends thank you notes for the beautiful ways you reached out to me in April, right after my most recent loss. Forgive my faux pas and know that I am truly grateful.

Nature is my friend, and my quiet walks with God and myself have given me strength.

The friends and family who have allowed me to bend your ears, and who still hold space for my tears, without judgment, are my personal national treasures. Your gifts of presence are acts of healing.

And of course, I am writing and praying my way forward. Sometimes for me, the two are intertwined; and as I often tell the writers I mentor, the gems you pour into your journal will surprise you in the ways they serve you. Write and go with the flow.

As Marisa Renee Lee, the author of “Grief is Love” writes: The foundation of a full life after loss is love. It is choosing to continue to love your person in present tense. It is moving forward with life, bringing them with you.”

As we move forward, may we all do so in ways that we know would make our specific person – or people – proud. Perhaps because of what we’re doing, but most importantly, because of who we are still becoming.

Memoir “Grief is Love” by Marisa Renee Lee

Treasure the Treasures of this Season

In these days leading up to Thanksgiving and the official kickoff of the holiday season, I offer you three challenges:

1. Be fully present

Be fully present in all of all the simple, significant and in-between moments spent with friends and loved ones – like the few minutes of fun I savored with a sweet and smart young friend during our joint travels earlier this year.

2. Offer grace and kindness

Offer more patience and grace to those whose grief may be sharper and deeper during the holidays, when their loved one’s absence is all the more real. I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with some who are in this space, and I’m still missing my big brother, who passed away 11 months ago, five days before Christmas. It is the memories we hold and the stories we are welcomed to share about them that will carry us through.

3. Be intentional

Be intentional about leaving everyone you encounter better than you found them. Make those memories and record them. Light a candle for the cherished family and friends who are no longer physically with you.

Move with love and gratitude

And trust that love and light will always win. Give it, be ready to receive it, and keep saying Thank You along the way.

Photo by David Tomaseti on Unsplash