The Anatomy of Gratitude

For every opportunity there is to complain, hold a grudge, or judge without knowing the whole story, there is an equal opportunity to let go, adapt and expand.

Embrace experiences that strengthen your wisdom and empathy, and help you grow in grace, joy and hope.

You are the best possible person to be you – no need to imitate or compare yourself to others. Be grateful to be alive and able to try your best another day.

Stacy Hawkins Adams

Mental Illness Doesn’t Know Color

By Guest Blogger Glenn Proctor

Before you read my blog post, a bit of mental health literacy from the National Council for Behavioral Health and Mental Health America: Just know the first sentence of this piece is written for the sake of history. Never say ‘commit’ suicide; instead say someone took their life by suicide or died by suicide. Commit implies a sin or a crime. Suicide is neither a sin nor a crime. It is a mental or emotional disorder, sometimes undetected or untreated, and sometimes temporary, with depression, anxiety and isolation being the most common feelings for suicide victims or attempters.   – Glenn

Growing up, I remember hearing, “Black folks don’t commit suicide.”

I also heard disparaging remarks about adults and children suffering from mental illness. I’m certain I made insults as well.   

“You know she ain’t right.“ “Something’s wrong with him.” “He’s touched.” “That boy’s crazy in the head.”

The language about mental illness and suicide has changed over the years, but society still has a long way to go. We must continue to learn the truth about mental illness and the right words to describe and talk about suicide. Most importantly, we must learn how to help those in distress, especially during this pandemic.

“Just get over it and move on” is not a suitable response. And, having a macho attitude, as many men do, about mental illness or suicide only buries the situation. Transparency means acceptance.

In the Black community, there remains a deep-seated stigma about suicide and mental illness. Neither discriminate. One in five Americans will experience a mental illness in a given year. One in 25 Americans lives with a serious mental illness. Black Americans are a major part of those numbers.

“World Mental Health Day Observance” by United Nations. Photo is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

As a suicide prevention and mental health first aid instructor and grief counselor, my mission is to help others, specifically Black Americans and military veterans, and to encourage more people to take suicide prevention and mental health first aid courses. In most areas, the courses are short duration and free.   

I am a suicide survivor, having heard the shot as my grandfather took his life in an adjacent room, had military “brothers” lose their lives to suicide, had suicide ideations during my worst drinking binges and have written about suicide for decades as a journalist, poet and instructor.  

Glenn Proctor

As a Vietnam veteran, I have survivors’ remorse, knowing my name is not on the Vietnam Memorial Wall in Washington, D.C. Coping with those thoughts remain a struggle, even to this day. And, there’s a reason the term is “recovery alcoholic.”

Truth is Black people take their own lives. Black people attempt suicide and have suicide ideations. The secret is out. We are not immune to suicide and mental health issues.

With the pandemic, racial unrest, unequal justice, and continued economic stress, suicide rates among African-Americans have climbed, created by fear, uncertainty and increased anxiety levels, especially for those with depression, anxiety, other untreated mental health issues or isolation.  

Especially concerning in the recent decade is the rise in suicide deaths among Black youth, nearly doubling from 2007 to 2017. Recent numbers show that Black children under age 13 are twice as likely to die as their white counterparts.  

As of 2018, suicide became the second leading cause of death in Black children, ages 10-14, and the third leading cause among Black adolescents, ages 15-19.

Paramount among the risk factors for youth suicide are bullying, bullying others, trauma, LBGTQ and racial discrimination and access to firearms. Another factor is health care disparities since Black youth often do not receive treatment for depression or receive treatment after a suicide attempt.    

Suicide numbers among Black adults are also climbing. In Cook County, where Chicago is located, Black men accounted for 80 percent of the suicides this year.

Research by the Columbia University Department of Psychiatry says Black adults are 20 percent more likely to experience serious mental health issues, including depressive disorder or anxiety disorder. Facing the prospect of being a victim of the justice system – or the fear of being stopped by police or accused of something by a “Karen” – is a common fear of most black men, including those who are famous, considered middle class or well-to-do.

Despite being 13 percent of the U.S. population, the Black community is 40 percent of the homeless population, 50 percent of the prison population and 45 percent of the children in foster care. Because of that exposure, the chances of developing a mental illness is increased.

With Black veterans, the numbers are just as alarming. About 45 percent of homeless veterans are Black or Hispanic, with Black veterans compromising most of those situations.

On any given night in America, more than 40,000 veterans are homeless and another 1.4 million are considered at risk of homelessness due to poverty, lack of support networks, untreated mental illness or substance abuse issues. Women veterans are the fastest growing segment of homeless veterans.

For me, working with the veterans’ community is a focal point.

I admit there have been unfortunate and fatal situations involving Black men and police in Charlotte, yet I applaud the Charlotte Mecklenburg Police for having a Crisis Intervention Team (CIT) trained to de-escalate hostile situations involving possible mental issues situations. Mental Health America has trained a good number of police and firefighters in mental health first aid and suicide prevention.

Twice I have been called to assist CIT officers with situations involving veterans.   

In the first instance – the only time I had to respond to a crisis scene – I helped negotiate the peaceful apprehension of a Black veteran who served in Afghanistan and was suffering from PTSD. He was loud and threatening inside his apartment and the situation had become unstable. After more than 40 minutes, the situation ended peacefully without any injuries.

Twice since, I accompanied CIT officers to visit the veteran who is back on medication and keeping up with his VA visits. I am proud that I was able to help, but the episode was mentally draining beyond belief. Which is why self-care for all of us, especially during this pandemic, is absolutely essential.

For those of us who are peer support professionals, the work is never done. None of us can – or should – turn our backs on conversations about suicide, mental health or grief. And in the Black community, it is a priority because mental health issues and suicide are continuing to take an increasing toll.

So, what can any of us do as Black Americans to improve our mental health and lessen our trauma and grief? I added grief to the equation since all us, by admission or not, are currently grieving, especially the loss of connection.

Because of Black America’s history and the issues that plague our communities, socialization is, experts contend, our most important coping mechanism:

  • Communication. By email, text, social media and phone. As difficult as it is to gather during this pandemic, an outside gathering with social distancing and masking protocols might help ease stress, especially to help with isolation and having engaging conversations with people we trust.
  • Get clinical help if an extreme condition develops.  
  • Talk about experiences of racism with those you trust. One study of African-American women said those who experienced racism and kept it to themselves created shorter telomeres, an indicator of chronic stress and aging.
  • Self-care. Engage in activities that you enjoy. As much as possible, avoid substances and excessive alcohol use. Be aware and recognize symptoms of racial trauma (fatigue, anxiety, depression, sleep depravation).
  • Understand that racism is serious and it deeply affects emotions. In addition to communication and self-care, focus on developing coping strategies; including distractions that help lower negative emotion.

Life Coach Glenn Proctor is certified as a Grief Support Counselor, QPR Suicide Prevention Instructor, Youth Mental Health First Aid Instructor, Adult Mental Health First Aid Gatekeeper and NC Peer Support Specialist (with Veterans’ Designation). He retired as executive editor and vice president of the Richmond Times-Dispatch.  The 40-year journalist and media professor shared in the Pulitzer Prize at the Akron Beacon Journal. He is a former Marine gunnery sergeant, author of five books and founder of WRITING BOOTCAMP Charlotte. Proctor coaches from lived experience – alcoholism, foster care, single parent, multiple marriages and cancer.  He has mentored hundreds of students, veterans, career professionals and entrepreneurs.    

Special Event Notice:

On Wednesday, Oct. 28, 2020 from 7-8:30 p.m. EST, Stacy and Robert L. Dortch will host a Zoom conversation on mental wellness and practicing self-care during the looming holiday season. Special guests will be licensed psychologist and seminar leader Dr. Micah L. McCreary and social and mental health advocate Princess Blanding. Join this session of The Living Room Talks on Zoom by registering here by Noon EST on Wednesday (Oct. 28).

The Yin and Yang of Night…

I snapped this photo on a drive Wednesday evening (from the passenger seat) and was awed by the beauty of this night sky and vivid moon.
It was a subtle yet powerful reminder that even in times of darkness, beauty can abide.
If we’ll pay attention to the simple and the signifinicant kindnesses we’ve experienced (yes, even in 2020), we’ll acknowledge the truth that the light still wins.

Moon in September. Photographer: Stacy Hawkins Adams

Gifts from Beyond – Thank You, Chadwick Boseman

I awoke this morning reflecting again on the headlines surrounding the recent passing of renowned and beloved actor Chadwick Boseman and the powerful (and much needed) gifts he has given us, even in his passing, in this year that will be one for the history books.Here are my Wednesday Wisdom takeaways:


* Just because you don’t show it on social media or share it beyond your circle doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. There’s a certain blessing in enjoying some gifts off the world’s stage. 

* It’s worth it to keep fighting for your dream even when it’s hard. You’ll treasure reaching your goals while gifting the world with your purpose along the way.

* We get to decide what it means to live with integrity and die with honor. These words sound so lofty, but take true courage, humility, grit and authenticity to achieve. Deciding to live in this way is the only power we possess in a world that’s out of our control. What will your choice be?


* Cherish everyone and everything that matter to you, everyday; because as you fill others’ wells with love, it can’t help but reverberate back to you. 

Actor Chadwick Boseman

Let the Written and Spoken Word Soothe You

Are you tired yet? I admit that I am. 
Tired of turning on the news each day to hear more bad news. Tired of carefully plotting trips to the grocery store or pick-up times for carryout meals so that I strategically encounter as few fellow humans as possible. Tired of wondering when this season of semi-isolation and racial unrest and economic uncertainty will ease. 


Yet, what if…just what if this season has come to make us weary? To shake us up? To help us long for and actually create a new normal – a better world borne from the ashes of all that wasn’t working? 


What if this darkness is the precursor to a brighter light and a better way – one that we can’t even imagine because it’s so powerfully positive?  What if we do our part, in this present moment, individually and collectively, scared or brave, to make this so? 


I humbly offer up my part, through the calling I’ve embraced since my elementary school days – my writing. For I know, that I know, that I know that there is beauty and hope and transformation available in and through the written and spoken word. 

As you ponder your next steps and how you can somehow make this pandemic-laden season better for yourself and others, I invite you to bathe yourself in words that help you heal, cling to hope, find some measure of happiness and strengthen your heart. 

I invite you to consume the words offered up here – in a few videos I recently recorded, in a recent blog post and in my on-sale book offerings (worthy reads or re-reads this summer). I also encourage you to explore and enjoy the many other options available from my fellow scribes. Challenge yourself to read at least two books this summer by authors who are new to you and whose work may not only entertain you, but also expand you in some way. 


May what I share in this space be the start (or continuation) of your efforts to practice self-care and protect your spirit. You’ll need to do more and more of that during these uncertain times, and you should do so with gratitude and without guilt. 

Read On, Watch & Listen and Be Encouraged

We Are Inevitably Connected

We might enter this world alone, but we don’t live in it, and certainly can’t love in it, on an island.
To get to your island,
you may have to walk through my forest or cross her river or climb his hill.
So keeping my forest fire-free, and her river waters clean, and his hill easy to navigate helps you safely reach your island – and enjoy the journey there all the more. 🤷🏽‍♀️
We are connected, and we must remember that.

-Stacy Hawkins Adams

You Matter. Let’s Talk About It

Why talk?
Talking is healing, even when the conversation might be uncomfortable.
Healing leads to ideas;
ideas can lead to personal responsibility,
which can in turn yield action and hope.

Join me and Robert L. Dortch Jr., (my fellow creative artist who wears many other hats) from wherever you are in the nation for our virtual version of a fireside chat on Thursday, June 18 at 7 p.m. EST.

We’re no experts on policy or law, but our hearts bleed for humanity, and we want to connect with you on that level so that together, we can move past the overwhelm.

We’ll gather to hear each other and guide each other as best we can. Register for this candid conversation today and invite your friends.

Click Here to Register: The Living Room Talks

Visions of Change #BLM

My drive this past Saturday through downtown Richmond, Virginia, my longtime city of residence, was a reflective one – from thinking about the slave ships that docked here by the multitudes hundreds of years ago to seeing businesses on Broad Street and in Carytown boarded up due to recent protests to witnessing the peaceful gathering at the Arthur Ashe statue, and just a few miles away, the moving tributes to George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and so many others at the base of the statue of Condeferate General Robert E. Lee, which is coming down.

I hope to always remember this juxtaposition of history, heartbreak and solemn efforts to heal, but not have to live through again what has brought us to this point.

The marathon to snuff out hate and brutality while building bridges of understanding and solidarity is just beginning (with generations of previous work serving as the foundation).

None of us who cares can let our weariness win or give up mid-race; for our basic humanity is at stake, and our children (many of whom are in the trenches and leading the way) are watching and counting on us. We must continue to #saytheirnames. We must find a way to #risetogether.

Coaches for Change peaceful protest and march at the Arthur Ashe statue on Monument Avenue in Richmond, Virginia. – Saturday, June 6, 2020
Statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee on Monument Avenue in Richmond, Virginia. The Governor declared during a week of protests in early June 2020 that the statue would soon be removed. In the meantime, it became the site of a memorial to George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and other unarmed black Americans who have been killed by police and others in the past decade.

The Monument Memorial at the base of the Lee statue in Richmond, Virginia. – June 6, 2020

Today, Just Say Yes

Do something today that reminds you of life’s goodness.

Dance like no one’s watching.

Perform a random act of kindness.

Tell those you care about how much you love them.

Laugh with others and at yourself. 

Spend time embracing what makes you smile.

Say yes to one or two baby steps that move you closer to the vision in your heart. 

Don’t have a vision? Say yes, then, to discovering what one could be, by spending more time with your thoughts and treasuring yourself for being the gem you are. 

As Michelle Obama declares in her Becoming documentary on Netflix, there’s no “going back” to what our lives were yesterday. Our task – and opportunity – is to create a meaningful (and exciting) next chapter that allows us to evolve, impact others and enjoy ourselves along the way. 

Love Endures In Times of Loss

I’m what you call a rider. Not perfect by any means, but striving always to help those in my circle through thick and thin. 

When you win, I’m celebrating the victory with you. When you suffer a loss, I’m holding your hand through the grief, even if only virtually.

It’s just Wednesday, and the losses are heavy this week in my family of friends, and (not that it really matters) none so far are COVID-related.

A loss is a loss. A life cut short cuts deep for those left behind to live with the void. 

And in these times when we can’t drop by to sit and pray, to share a dish and kind word, or even attend a funeral or memorial service (except through livestream), many are feeling anchorless, and baffled about how to support others or find closure themselves. 

What I’ve been leaning into is the truth of the only thing that endures: love. It is a river and a language and a bond that flows and speaks and connects us in ways we often don’t understand or can’t articulate.

Love leaves an imprint on our lives and in our hearts that, after a loss, grows into a powerful legacy. 

When all else fails and nothing makes sense, we must hold onto the reality that love is the answer. 

We must use our words to tell the hurting we love them, for words can be a healing force. That declaration can be followed by whatever acts of kindness we can muster in quarantine, whether a consistent text or call or sending a card, flowers or gift card, or adding the grief-stricken to our prayer list, or sitting on the phone and letting them talk. 

As we go back to basics in so many ways during this pandemic, choose to make love your basic foundation, or increase its strength if it already is.

 When you love yourself more, you’ll have a full well from which to give.

When you love others more, you’re helping fill their depleted tanks and shoring them up until they can stand again.

This week, I’m covering my dear friends grappling with deep loss in love and more love. 

️And because love is neverending, I’ve got enough overflow to share with you, too.

Whatever you are facing today, know that I love you.

Lean on those closest to you and tell them if you need help. Focus on what is before you in this minute or this hour and just breathe. Trust God. And know that light eventually follows darkness. Always.